What if the Royal Wedding Was In Kenya?

From http://vibeweekly.com/newsite/

The news that is Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding has been in the news since their engagement five months ago. The world of brides and singles has gone crazy, with everyone wanting to know every little detail that goes on about the wedding. Beaming to the entire world, most of us will be glued to the TV to watch as the couple takes their vows.

But have you stopped to wonder what could happen if the royal wedding was actually Kenyan? Could we actually pull it off?

First off the royal couple would have to be of true blue blood. This means that from the known kingdoms of Kenya. Not chieftains, but kingdoms. And the most famous is the Luhya, with their Nabongo Mumia taking the cake in the history books.

So the guy would be Luhya, and maybe then a student at one of our campuses. Let’s say University of Nairobi, since modernization would have forced him to seek better education. The royal family though, would still be located in their ancestral home in Bungoma ‘Wezdan Massive’ (as my friend Archer would call Western Kenya). Maybe they would set up a branch across the counties, like KANU (Kenya African National Union, a political party with tentacles all over the country).

Our royal prince would be named Wilberforce Wesakhulu, and his mother Elisapeti would have had to hand over her right to rule to her husband, Peterson. Peterson, aka Nabongo Wafula, would be running all over the kingdom, trying to make people live good lives, and at the same time trying to get them to grow as much tea in their farms as possible – you know how they love tea.

Meanwhile, Wilberforce will have met his lovely Katerina in school. She won’t bend over, but she will drink herself to almost silly, and he’ll be forced to wonder if she’s royal material. But the fact that as a mwananichi she knows of hardship, of eating relief food to survive, of trekking distances to fetch water, this will only have resolved her spirit to work harder for a better future. She parties, yes, but she’s not that wild. Just in between. And of course, she will be a Kamba. The better, to impress him with her smooth tongue and even smoother bedroom moves.

Being a Kenyan wedding, things will start to go wrong right at the start, before they even get married. Being that Queen Elisapeti is traditional in her views, she will wonder why Wilberforce saw in this woman, why he couldn’t marry within his tribe. But the Nabongo, in his wisdom, will have seen the need to ensure that he makes new ties with other communities – a purely political move, and allow Wilberforce to break tradition.

Then will come the dowry. Wilberforce’s family will be forced to drive out to the dusty Kamba village that is Katerina’s ancestral home to complete the dowry traditions. Probably some dry part of Makueni that hasn’t seen rain in the recent year. They will have to fork over all manner of items from cash, to cows, to sugarcane and pumpkin, and the very important maize and peas seeds for the next season planting.

Successfully securing the bride, Katerina will then gather her bevy of bridesmaids and force them to wear hideous orange or green dresses, bringing out her roots. After all, the maids can’t outshine the bride. There will be no less than 30 maids, since after all, she is marrying a Prince. Katerina will hire the most expensive caterers and wedding planners, and book the exclusive Kitale Golf Club for her wedding – it’s the best place she can have in the royal hometown. She will proceed to ferry her relatives and friends in City Hoppas decorated in Orange and Green, to match the wedding theme. Wilberforce’s relatives and local subjects will not be left behind! You know how a free lunch must be had!

Once at the venue, Prince Wilberforce will await with bated breath for his bride, but being a Kenyan, she will operate on African time. There’s not much traffic in Kitale to delay the bridal procession, but they will drive in about 1 hour late, with all the drivers honking to alert the entire town of the impending marriage. The streets will be lined with school children singing and dancing to all sorts of songs of praise bordering on sycophancy, reminiscent of one Daniel Toro’s regime. The bride will be hiding under the tinted glass of a Mercedes Benz S Class – no less for a princess to be – and occasionally open the window to wave a hand to the crowd.

Once reaching the church, there will be another delay, with the bride’s ‘aunties’ demanding more dowry, aka opener ya kufungua soda, for ‘raising the child’. Prince Wilberforce’s parents will be forced to fork over another 100,000/- in cash before the bride can step out of the car. The ‘opener’ money will result in jubilating ululations in decibels that threaten to rupture your eardrums. Since it’s a ‘special wedding’, there’ll be no bridal march; instead a massive throng of hired dancers and singers will fill the entrance, ushering in the bride.

Once inside the church, the ceremony will proceed as usual, until that awkward moment when the minister enquires whether “anyone opposes this union”. Everyone will hold their breath as a woman chooses that opportune moment to walk into the church, with her high heels clattering on the aisle. At this point, Katerina is about to explode in tears seeing as her dreams are about to be dashed, and shooting dirty looks to the Prince. But luckily, this was just a late attendee to the wedding, seating herself at the first free seat she spies. A collective exhalation will occur, and a buzz going round as people try to speculate as to who the woman is. Probably one of Wilberforce’s old friends, not there to stop the wedding, but to celebrate with them. It won’t spare her dirty looks from the crowd, especially Katerina’s aunts.

Finally, the vows will be said, and the couple will be declared husband and wife. Wilberforce and Katerina will take an awkward kiss at the altar – PDA is highly frowned on, especially in the presence of the Lord. And they’ll dance down the aisle to MOG’s “Today is My Wedding Day”. The entire congregation will then proceed to jostle for picture opportunities with the famous ‘royal couple’. Oh and the party doesn’t stop here… you know there’s got to be the reception, full of feasting, where the deaths of a number goats, cows and chicken have to sacrificed to please the mass stomachs.

All will be well for Wilberforce and Katerina. That is until the King and Queen, and the entire country, start asking for heirs to the throne….. Pressure!

From http://vibeweekly.com/ Enjoy.

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